Telephone etiquette

[desperance]

I am famously antagonistic towards telephones. We never had one till I was a teenager, and I've never been comfortable with them; I don't have a mobile, and rarely use the landline. I may be over-reacting, therefore, or misinterpreting a commonplace. But. I hate it, hate hate hate, when the phone rings and I answer it with my usual "Yes, hullo?" and the voice at the other end says "Who's that speaking, please?" or near equivalent. It seems to me extraordinarily rude: they called me, which means they should know who I am; they're the stranger in this relationship. Also, this is my home which they have chosen to invade, so ditto ditto. Either way, it's theirs to declare their own identity, rather than demanding mine. And I usually say so, quite sharpish.

It's almost always a wrong number, of course, which doesn't improve my temper. Of course it is; people who are intentionally phoning me tend to know who's going to be answering my phone, ie me. I don't mind them checking, "Hullo, is that Chaz?" or near equivalent; it's the blank stranger-to-stranger demands that really rile me. It's an extension of the inherent intrusion of making a phone-call in the first place, the assumption that it's okay to interrupt me unannounced; to heap Ossa upon Pelion by backing that with the assumption that it's okay to interrogate me before ever they identify themselves just enrages me.

Or am I being precious and mimsy...?

Comments

[markdeniz.livejournal.com]

I used to be a bit of a phone person but have become less and less so, mainly for the reasons you state and so I completely understand you.

I had one of those last week when somebody called and asked "Is that Eneit Press?" and I was in a bad mood and said "No, I'll just get it" and hung up.

But I am an arse...

[desperance.livejournal.com]

Mmm - not the best business move, perhaps. But hey, it's the phone; it's designed to sabotage good business. Kinda like e-mail, but more so. (E-mail has so changed my life for the better - no more phone-calls or letter-writing...!)

[crossthebar.livejournal.com]

Pah. I agree with you. It makes me livid when people call me, interrupting my time, and then ask who I am. The flaming cheek.

Telephones are very useful, but I am a firm believer in letting the answering machine take a message.

[alexmc.livejournal.com]

I am not good with the phone. In fact I've even made a conscious effort to try and speak to more people on the phone socially. I use the phone a lot for business - when talking to recruitment agents.

> the voice at the other end says "Who's that speaking, please?"

I used to get this a lot when I lived in Cyprus. It really *REALLY* wound me up. I would deliberately not answer the question and sometimes people hung up - even when they had the right number. My conclusion is that it is a cultural thing. There is no right and wrong here - what you and I see as rude - they dont!

[desperance.livejournal.com]

Yup, but it's clearly not an easy division to make between us and them, those this side of the line and those the other. Mostly when it happens to me, it's little old ladies on the other end (my number is frustratingly close to a service that provides meals on wheels and taxis for the elderly and suchlike), whom I would ordinarily expect to be more inherently mannerly than I am. In person, they probably are. Just, not on the phone. I say, "I'm sorry, this is my phone; who are you?" or near equivalent, and they get stroppy...

And - again with drawing the line of division, us and them - I wonder why it would be Cypriot, particularly...?

[alexmc.livejournal.com]

Maybe because they only had a working phone system relatively recently :-)

[szandara.livejournal.com]

Not precious and mimsy at all, or if you are, so am I. This is bad manners, and I'm working on teaching my kids not to do it. The caller is obligated to identify themselves, since they're the one who initiated contact.

As I get older and more impatient, I grow to prefer email more and more because it's asynchronous--I can answer when and how I choose. The insistent "drop everything and answer me RIGHT NOW" demand of a ringing phone is inherently intrusive.

[desperance.livejournal.com]

'Zackly. It's why I hate mobiles particularly, and particularly-particularly my friends' mobiles. We are out together, they have presumably chosen to be out with me - and their phone rings and suddenly they have to be ignoring me and talking to this other person, just because. Snarl...

[pennski.livejournal.com]

We've just watched the episode of QI where Stephen Fry points out that a ringing phone is the equivalent of banging on someone's desk going "speak to me, speak to me now!" (and won't shut up until you do).

At work, if someone has come to talk through something with me, I put my phone on voicemail so as not to be interrupted, and if we're at their desk, I ask them to do the same.

At home, I tend to answer the phone with "Hello" and then if they don't identify themselves ask "Who's calling?" (which I think makes it quite clear that the onus is on the caller to identify themselves first).

There was a fluffy book I read once where the heroine was very annoyed with her father-in-law who persistently asked who was speaking when he rang her. It's the only thing from that book that has stuck in my mind.

[fidelioscabinet.livejournal.com]

Unless there's a death watch in the family, or something equally compelling (I had friends in the military who were on short notice for deployment for several years), I believe people need to let the voice mail/missed call logging feature mobile phones all seem to have do its job when in company.

Just because it rings, you don't have to answer it, and when it's one of Those Times, people generally know it already and can make allowances.

[brisingamen.livejournal.com]

I have a friend ... it's actually a slight mystery to me at times why he remains my friend, give what I am about to say ... who is congenitally incapable of Not answering a ringing phone, which can make life amazingly annoying in social situations, or for that matter, whenever we're working together. Why he doesn't just mute his phone as I do, or let it go to voice mail, I'll never know. He, on the other hand, thinks it's really weird that I don't immediately answer my phone when and wherever I happen to be.

[szandara.livejournal.com]

I have a mobile, but I don't give out the number and I rarely turn it on. It's more of a security blanket, in case I get stuck somewhere.

Online communication also gets around that whole 'living in different timezones' problem, which I like (I get to hear about what you're making for dinner while I'm having lunch!)

[moral-vacuum.livejournal.com]

How about people checking their text messages and then texting back? That REALLY annoys me. Its different if it's someone who's coming along later who's got into travel difficulties or something, but otherwise GRRRR.

[shewhomust.livejournal.com]

Let me tell you about the joys of our new business line package, which is, I don't doubt, a good deal financially, and binds BT to take it seriously if the line goes down... But it opens us up to cold calling. "Who's that speaking, please?" I can handle; but what's the answer to "Hello, could I speak to the owner?"

[desperance.livejournal.com]

"I'll just pass you on to one of the cats." Obviously.

[kazdreamer.livejournal.com]

Not precious and mimsy at all. I completely agree with you!

And I hate phones, too...

[julesjones]

I have much less of an issue with the phone than you do, but I also find that sort of thing on a private line infuriating, for exactly the same reason. "Hello, is that so-and-so" I don't mind (as long as it's not a phone spammer), as it's simply a way to check they've got the right person. But demanding that I identify myself, before even telling me who they are -- not on. It's actually fairly rare that it happens to me, but when it does my reaction is very much, "Who are you and who do you wish to speak to?"

[fidelioscabinet.livejournal.com]

I think it's cluelessness; add it to the long list of things no one is taught to do any more, because it's not worth anyone's time and trouble to bother, until people a grown and set in their ways. Years of working for the government and having to call people (with careful training in How To Do It Right) as well as receiving calls from the public, has convinced me that this something that has to be taught, which is a shame. But saying "Hello, this is X (add business/office/organization etc. as appropriate), I'm calling to speak to Y/may I speak to Y?" isn't really that hard, once you know how, and makes life so much simpler in the long run. It lets people know what they're in for; if you've got a wrong number they can tell you that calmly, without having been badgered into a State, and if it is them, they can either say so, or think fast and say "Y's not here."

There's a reason I use the answering machine to screen calls, and it's because my time, once I'm home, is worth it. Especially in this age of the robo-caller, and an election year.

[julesjones]

I have, on a couple of occasions, had a wrong number that refused to accept that they had called the wrong number, and insisted that I was lying to cover up for the person they wanted to speak to. The one that phoned my hotel room at 3:30 am was particularly annoying...

[brisingamen.livejournal.com]

I had a regular little old lady caller for a while, who refused utterly to believe she had the wrong number ... She would ring again and again during an evening, and we often had to leave the phone off the hook, just to stop answering the phone. Switching on the answerphone did not deter her as we would then hear her talking to her friend, saying things like 'Brisingamen, brisingamen, we don't know anyone called brisingamen.' Then there was the night she didn't put the phone back on its cradle properly ...

[wldhrsjen3.livejournal.com]

Heh! We've got one of those little old lady callers too! She refuses to accept the fact that there is no "Martha" or "Ethel" at our number, and when we try to tell her that she has the wrong number, she tells us we're mistaken!

She hasn't quite given up yet...

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I had this, too. "Is Mike there?" "There's no Mike here." [amused tone] "Is this Megan?" "No." "Do you know when Mike will be back?" "Presumably never, as there is no Mike here." [pause] "Do you think you accidentally switched cell phones with Mike at a party?" "This has been my phone number for two years now. I don't switch phones with people at parties. There is no Mike here." "Geez, sorry!"

Two hours later....

This kept happening and happening, because the hapless Mike had apparently given out my cell phone number as his cell phone number, far and wide. The capper was when the phone rang at 3 and I didn't get to it in time. I heard the little "there's a message" noise. Then it rang again, and I picked it up and grated, "MIKE IS NOT HERE BECAUSE THIS IS NOT HIS PHONE." A chagrined voice on the other end said, "Oh. Um. Sorry. Is this [my number]?" I said, "Yes, and it's my phone, not this idiot Mike's." "I'm very sorry," said the pathetic voice.

In the morning I listened to the voicemail. Same pathetic voice: "Um...Mike? Weren't you going to pick me up at the bus station when I got to town? Because I've been waiting here in White Bear for an hour and a half now, and it's getting kind of cold...." Poor schmuck. I hope he makes better friends than Mike someday.

[shewhomust.livejournal.com]

We had a variant on this when the University (well, one of the colleges) gave out our number: we had to deal with a number of parents who Knew What Students Are Like, and weren't going to be fobbed off that easily.

[dedbutdrmng.livejournal.com]

When I get cold called I tend to go into long surrealist adventures. I tell the callers I'm the Butler and whoever they want is in the west wing. Then making run off noises with my hands on the cushion. Then running back noises, tell them she's in the east wing and set off again. Sometimes I prop the phone up against the TV and leave them to chat.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I tend to answer, "Hello, who's this?" with, "The person who owns this phone; who's this?"

[wldhrsjen3.livejournal.com]

Ha! Love that!

[lamentables.livejournal.com]

I had a series of calls on my mobile from someone who refused to identify themselves until I provided personal information to identify myself to their satisfaction. I pointed out I wasn't providing any personal information until I knew who they were/what they were calling in connection with. They couldn't tell me that until I proved who I was... Eventually they stopped calling.

Since then I have come up with what I consider to be a brilliant plan, should this situation occur again, in which 'for security' I ask the caller to tell me their father's name, their favourite colour and the capital of Canada. Once they have answered the questions I shall tell them that not all the answers were correct and that 'for security reasons' I must terminate the conversation immediately. I almost hope I do get another of those calls.

[agoodwinsmith.livejournal.com]

Absolutely. I always answer that question with "Who do you want to speak to?" If they get huffy, they are not one of my friends, nor anyone I'd trust to do business with - I'd worry about what other short cuts they might feel entitled to make.

It is common courtesy for the person who places the call to announce themselves to the person they call. If they can't even do that, but launch immediately into rude interrogations, it is obvious they will be unpleasant to deal with. I lack interest in mollifying such people.

[wldhrsjen3.livejournal.com]

I hate the telephone, unless I'm speaking with long-distance friends or family. And my entire extended family knows how I feel about the phone, so we have prearranged calling times. My mother and I always speak on Monday mornings. Thus I happily fix myself a cup of tea and wait for her call, or take my turn calling her. The most irritating thing is when Someone Else calls me on Monday mornings while I am expecting a chat with Mom. (Yes, I'm a nerd. I don't care.)

And we've had an elderly woman call us periodically for *years.* She goes in cycles, apparently. She'll call every night for two weeks asking for "Ethel" or "Martha" and when we gently explain she has the wrong number, she will tell us we're mistaken. We're mistaken? Um, ookaaaaay....Then she'll get tired of us and we won't hear from her for a month or so. And then, out of the blue, she'll start calling again. Drives me batty.

I've learned not to answer the phone if I can avoid it. Thank goodness for the internet. :)

[esmeraldus-neo.livejournal.com]

This is why I hate calling people. I'm always afraid I am interrupting something, or otherwise intruding on their time.

I don't like answering the phone, so I assume that other people don't, either, and so I hate to make them.

[martyn44.livejournal.com]

Tell it like it is! Oh yes. My time is important, yours isn't so I can disturb you any time I like, especially when I want to sell you something you don't want/need.afford.

You have no idea how much better I feel at work not being at anyone's beck and call on a bloody telephone.

Could you put that in the post please . . . funny, they just hung up.

[bluehairsue.livejournal.com]

Soul buddy! On this at least. I hate telephones. I can't imagine anything more dreadful than always having to be contactable. I don't have a mobile. We have a landline and it's nearly always unplugged. People who want to contact me can email me.

[(Anonymous)]

What really gets me is the phone spam.

"Could I speak to Slim Palmer please?"

My reply is usually: 'What's it in connection with as we are members of the "Telephone Preference Service"?'

*brrrrr....*

[moral-vacuum.livejournal.com]

At home I screen all calls. At work I often let my voice mail pick up, because I want to talk to people on my terms not on theirs. Mostly, the only people with my mobile number are people to whom I'd wish to speak. And if it's someone with my number to whom I do not wish to speak, that's why God gave us Voicemail.

Of course once you've actually got me on the phone I chatter away like nothing on earth...

[moral-vacuum.livejournal.com]

BTW: you have a perfect right to be as mimsy as you want.

[desperance.livejournal.com]

Thank you kindly.

*mimsies*

[durham-rambler.livejournal.com]

I used to be one of those people who could never not answer a ringing phone, but thirteen years of working for BT cured me of that.

In a previous job, I got so pissed off with the man whom I was talking to, in his room, always answering the phone and speaking to his callers and making me wait, that I went next door and called him up.

We have a rule (I made it up last week, but should have done so years before) that we do not respond to cold callers. It makes good sense, not only can you be off the phone in 30 seconds but you make better decisions if you have the chance to consider it in your own time.

DOes anyone else get recorded messages about a government scheme to help you clear all your debts, just press 5?

[ruthi.livejournal.com]

You are right, people calling should identify themselves and ask for the person they wish to talk to. Sometimes I make people wait more than they expected because (after identifying themselves) they expect to automatically be handed on to the person they want to talk to.
"Did you want to talk to Other Person?" I'll ask.

Mobile phones are excellent for their SMS capabilities.
One can choose whether to pay attention or not, and answer at ones leisure. Also, not having everyone around hear ones private conversation

Also neat is the ability to switch the thing to 'silent' mode. Then check messages at your leisure, or not at all.

(I also like having a mobile phone because I tend to have an abysmal sense of time, and be late to meeting people. I can call and say "I am late" and not leave them waiting without a clue. )
The other thing I use my mobile for: I have reciepts for SMS turned on. I get the reciept when the other phone gets the message. This way I can tell when they have emerged from the underground.

How are you today?

[durham-rambler.livejournal.com]

Another thing that really winds me up is the cold callers whose opening gambit is to ask How are you today? The answer, which I am only slightly too polite to say, is None of your bloody business. They don't really want to know, and somebody somewhere must have thought this question would make me more responsive. Hrmpph.

Perhaps I should work out a five-minute monologue.