Self-contempt and/or creativity
Dec. 20th, 2013 01:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
desperanceSo it's not often I reach out to contradict the big names on the internet. That way danger lies, and I am not fit to face the kickback - for, inter alia, the reasons spelled out herebelow.
But there has been a buzz these last days, where writers who don't generally hold themselves in contempt have been mostly saying "That? See a doctor, take a pill, get that fixed. It's not a feature, it's a problem," and like that.
Thing is, though, it is a matter of definition that those of us who do hold ourselves in contempt, we know whereof we speak. We know why we deserve it. If it's a symptom of anything, to us it's a symptom of clear-sightedness - which makes it very much a feature, because that is after all what the job's about.
So yes, it is very much bound up with my creativity, and I am absolutely right to worry that if I futz about with my brain chemistry I may lose something that I value more than confidence or contentment or whatever else a medicine may offer.
Here I stand, I can do no other; and it is from here that I write, this position, this territory that I have mapped. "Every act of fiction is an act of autobiography, we give ourselves away with every word"* - and how I see myself is integral to that story. I do know what I'm worth, and where I disappoint, and how much is smoke and mirrors.
And yes, I do know that others see me differently - but that's their story. This one's mine.**
*That's actually me, but I've said it so often I have to put it in quotes these days.
**It may not be coincidental that the book I've just finished working on is called Being Small.
But there has been a buzz these last days, where writers who don't generally hold themselves in contempt have been mostly saying "That? See a doctor, take a pill, get that fixed. It's not a feature, it's a problem," and like that.
Thing is, though, it is a matter of definition that those of us who do hold ourselves in contempt, we know whereof we speak. We know why we deserve it. If it's a symptom of anything, to us it's a symptom of clear-sightedness - which makes it very much a feature, because that is after all what the job's about.
So yes, it is very much bound up with my creativity, and I am absolutely right to worry that if I futz about with my brain chemistry I may lose something that I value more than confidence or contentment or whatever else a medicine may offer.
Here I stand, I can do no other; and it is from here that I write, this position, this territory that I have mapped. "Every act of fiction is an act of autobiography, we give ourselves away with every word"* - and how I see myself is integral to that story. I do know what I'm worth, and where I disappoint, and how much is smoke and mirrors.
And yes, I do know that others see me differently - but that's their story. This one's mine.**
*That's actually me, but I've said it so often I have to put it in quotes these days.
**It may not be coincidental that the book I've just finished working on is called Being Small.