Beating myself up

[desperance]

matociquala was posting about beats a few days back (and if you didn't read that, go do); so here's a whole nother kind, the line-by-line stuff that I do instinctively, barely see I'm doing it.

Coming to the end of a paragraph, where a woman and her family are trying to keep ahead of soldiers caught in a killing frenzy (think the siege of Jerusalem, the rape of Nanking), she's hoping they'll just exhaust themselves before they reach the river, and this was the last line:

"perhaps by then they would let be, walk past doorways they would have kicked through before, not search in darkened warehouses, not care."

And then I thought, whoa, this is the East, they have their word for warehouses, which is godowns. Which makes the line:

"perhaps by then they would let be, walk past doorways they would have kicked through before, not search in darkened godowns, not care"

- and that's wrong, because there's a beat missing from that final cadence, it jars and you lose the dying fall. So you remake it:

"perhaps by then they would let be, walk past doorways they would have kicked through before, not search in darkened godowns, just not care."

And that's all it needs, that unstressed syllable either side of the comma, doesn't matter which: just a verbal hesitation between the last two stresses. That flows, where the other stumbles.

And yup, I do this every sentence, every clause. Sometimes I wonder if I worry too much. (But, with reference to another subject that crops up here, what words you can or can't use in a fantasy: I'm reading a book I'm enjoying enormously, but it's a second-world fantasy and the author used the word 'sophist' and I tripped over that because it is so explicitly linked in my head with a school of Greek philosophy, never mind what other meanings it may have acquired since; and anything that makes a reader trip needs smoothing over, so no, I don't worry too much. It's impossible to worry too much.)

Comments

[rysmiel.livejournal.com]

I know I'm a bit late on this with having been on holiday, but congratulations on the BFA nomination.

[desperance.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I just heard today, 'Bridge of Dreams' made it to the shortlist (http://www.uksfbooknews.net/2007/08/07/2007-british-fantasy-society-awards-shortlist-announced/) ('til now it was just longlisted, and the BFS longlists are looooong...). Having seen the competition, I do not expect to win; but it is good to be up there among 'em.

[rysmiel.livejournal.com]

The only thing on that shortlist I've yet read is Mike Carey's The Devil You Know, which is a very fine book but in a mode [ urban dark fantasy/horror ] I'd not thought likely to get recognised by the BFA, and I'd hate to have to try to compare how well it does what it does with books doing such different things.

[cinderberry.livejournal.com]

*squeak* The shortlist! Go you!

(Having not read any of the others yet, I can support you unreservedly and shamelessly.)

[dedbutdrmng.livejournal.com]

I'm fascinated by reading about writing. And also repelled as it always brings with it a panicked sense of 'ohmygodImdoingitallwrong'. And as I'm writing comedy (or so I like to think) rhythm and getting the reader to hear what I hear is all important.

So now I'm going to go and stare at todays words until my eyes bleed and then worry (more than usual).*

Which leads me to the inescapable conclusion this post is partly vengeance for me asking about nets. Have you no pity?

(And congratulations on the shortlisting.)


Not to mention the feeling of utter foolishness that talking about writing to proper writers when you're not one yourself brings with it. I will be cringing after I press 'post comment'.

[autopope.livejournal.com]

I feel your pain.

I'm currently doing the sentence-structure walkthrough on SATURN'S CHILDREN (along with fixing the plot snags). Oww ...

[matociquala.livejournal.com]

Of course, the problem is, if I start thinking that way, I trip over every word.

("But "sky" is Norse loan-word to English, and why would an African cowherd be using it?")

Alternate history is even worse. Can't say "galvanized!" Can't say "styrofoam!" Can't say "sandwich" or "bourbon!"

Oh, fuckit. It's all being translated into modern English from Fantasytalk anyway. As long as the flavor is right...

[shewhomust.livejournal.com]

What Bear said.

In the example above, I'd have been thrown by not knowing what a godown is. Just momentarily (some sort of shack? yeah, that makes sense... OK, onwards), but thrown.

Then again, earlier today in a book set in the 1320s, a character walks into the royal chapel, looks around and says "Nice!" and I had to stop for a 10 minute internal harangue.

[desperance.livejournal.com]

In the example above, I'd have been thrown by not knowing what a godown is. Just momentarily (some sort of shack? yeah, that makes sense... OK, onwards), but thrown.

Ye-es - but that's good-thrown (hey, I learned something today! and look, it adds to the richness!) against bad-thrown (hey, he used the wrong word! they can't have sophists! that's sloppy!). I read with a dictionary at my side, and I try to follow science-stuff as far as I am able, even if I have to stop reading and work something out on my fingers; I like that sense that the author knows more than I do (indeed, I think I demand it), but I hate arguing with 'em.

[shewhomust.livejournal.com]

I read with a dictionary at my side...

Really? What a strange and remarkable creature you are.

But this supports my point, I think: you try your hardest to Get Stuff Right, because it's important to do so - but there is no reckoning for the sheer variousness of readers.

[martyn44.livejournal.com]

I think I'm with you - about godown at least, 'cos I know what one is - or maybe its just me, because authors who get details wrong get right up my nostrils. If they can't convince me of what they can check, why should I accept their central fictitious concept (oh dear, I'm back to Dan Brown again . . .)

On the other hand, we are writing in English for English readers. Oh, I think that's my tail I can see in front of my nose rather than my tale.